How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm, as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber
band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour
shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the
friggin' cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor, who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the dang thing's front paws to rear paws
with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home, order new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect Mutant Cat From Hell
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.